Marriage Murder with Just Clause

Recently a friend of mine has announced his engagement, with his long time girlfriend, to all of his friends. They are well into planning the wedding and their lives leading up to that day. In their planning they have decided to go with the online directory of listed wedding gifts they would appreciate receiving (gift registry).

The online directories are a great way to list out what items would be useful in starting a life together. They help guests get the couple something they actually want. Plus, and more importantly, the guests can make sure they are not getting the new couple a duplicate gift. The online database of wants may seem impersonal, but remember, the wedding is about the newly weds. Not you.

With that said...

Ways to Gift on Your Terms

• Try to be the first to pick something from the list. If you can view the list first you can pick from any gift. "Oh, thank you so much for the...Superwhipper (scroll over the picture)?" Yep, it was on the list. $10 gift equals open bar.

• Try to be the last to see the list. Hopefully, everything will be selected or taken up and you can just decide on your own gift to give the newly weds. This can be awesome if you get them a great gift because they will have no clue what it is, thus, loving it for being unique and thoughtful. Note: This may backfire. The list may still contain one expensive item which you will be stuck with.

Gifts at weddings is a nice thing but it can turn ugly quick. What if its a second marriage? Do you have to get them another gift? Hell no! Plus, shouldn't they still have the gift you gave them from the first marriage? I guess it is possible that the Superwhipper was lost in the divorce. But that's the bride or groom's problem. Not only did they break the contract with their spouse, but they broke the unwritten contract with their guests:

"Give me a sweet gift for the beginning of my beautiful new life and I won't fuck this up."

1. Clause: Santa falls off of your roof, you put on the pants, you're the big guy.
2. Mrs. Clause: To remain Santa you need to find a Mrs. Clause.
3. The Escape Clause: If your wife or husband dies or is murdered you get another gift.

The bottom line is if your spouse dies you get to receive gifts at your next wedding. It is in one's best interest to go ahead and kill your former partner if they divorce you. Moving on is not as fun when you cannot get a new down comforter. Plus, you'll finally get to use those Ginsu knives.

"Wow. They really do cut through bone!"

Personally, when I'm murdered by my future wife, I would rather she did not receive any new gifts. Call me a hopeless romantic, but I'd rather she just die alone. May she Sinead O'Connor it up and repeat till she dies:

"Nothing compares...Nothing compares to you."

Obsess enough to kill me. Obsess enough to miss me.