Monday, December 15, 2008

My Own Site!

Hello readers! I recently purchased my first domain name ever. All of my future blogs will be posted there from here on out. Thanks and sorry for the inconvenience.

Gradually Going Gazzuolo's new home.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Friday Favorites 12/12

Once again we meet on the last day of the work week. Ah yes, the weekend nears, fun plans get finalized, and the murdered bodies in your trunk from Monday begin to rot. This Friday is a special one! It's the 12/12: a perfect Friday! We aren't stuck with a 9/12 Friday like this past September. Nope. A 75% Friday wouldn't do for us. We demand perfection! Speaking of which...

PB in CCs

Peanut butter in chocolate cups may be the greatest candy ever made. In the time line of great candies, peanut butter cups is right after the stone. The time line is actually just a segment. Nothing. Stone. Peanut butter cup. Nothing better. Hard candy had it's time, but those everlasting jawbreakers are a thing of the past.

On a side note...

Hard candy relics can still be found to this day. Whether one looks on the ground or on coffee tables in old folk's crystal bowls, they are everywhere: Ditched in dirt and cradled in crystal.

There may be no wrong way to eat them, but there certainly are right ways to eat them. Personally I like to eat all of the chocolate out siding of the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. I place the lump of dried out peanut butter in my mouth and consume the whole piece of peanut buttery magic at once. Why part the innards? May the cups be consumed as they were made: in layers. May they be eaten as Alaskans dress: in layers. And may peanut butter cups be enjoyed as they were originally: next to 2 gunned down car-crash victims.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Monday Morning Meltdowns

Welcome to the first "Monday Morning Meltdowns". Every Monday I will submit something that has me shaking my head. These are objects, acts, and ideas that make me pull my hair out, spinning my chair, and just meltdown in general. No person looks forward to Mondays due to the work week beginning, waking up early, and NBC's "My Own Worst Enemy" starring Christian Slater. Hopefully, these Monday postings will cheer you up and help you realize that while Mondays may suck for you, at least you're not Christian Slater every day of the week.

Hollaback Girl

Here is a test for anyone to try on their own. Turn on a NBA game and close your eyes. What you are hearing is a bunch of women chanting constantly. Annoying, isn't it?

Players like Kobe Bryant, LeBron James, and Paul Pierce have altered the way scorers are now playing the game. For years, players like Michael Jordan have been driving to the basket with the intent to draw a foul. The scorers knew they simply had to get close to their opponents, near the hoop, and they could get an easy whistle. Now, players are still dribbling to the hoop strong, but they are also yelling out when they go up for a shot.
  • Lay-up in the lane - "OOOOhhh!"
  • Short jump shot - "Heeey!"
  • Ball blocked or swatted away while dribbling - "Motha f*****"
  • Time-out called - "Whaaaa!"
Players are using any excuse to yell out loud and try to draw a foul. They are thinking if they yell out, while being guarded with the ball, the referees will assume they were fouled. Are you kidding me?! Even if Shaq punches you in the face you shouldn't make a sound (unless it's a giggle if he says Kazaam while hitting you).

Watching a NBA game now is like watching a women's softball game: non-stop chanting and yelling. In softball, I don't know how the coaches can sit on the bench in tight situations and think.

This post goes out to you patient deaf softball coaches. We solute you.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Friday Favorites

Welcome to the first "Friday Favorites" ever! On Fridays I explore some of my favorite things. I figured since Fridays are the archway to our weekend, the end of our sleepless work week, and the day we use to watch Urkel, Balki, and Cody, they would be perfect for a reoccurring favorites blog. Well, that and both "Fridays" and "favorites" both share a similar letter...the "S".

These weekly favorites are in no particular order and my number one favorite will remain personal and private.

Q-Tips: Good Cleaning Fun

These American Gladiator: Mouse Addition weapons are wonderfully misused. Doctors will tell you that inserting the Q-Tip (douche bag of the ear) into your ear canal is actually bad for your ear. The build-up is actually being pushed further back into the canal, which can eventually affect your hearing. Interesting. Hey'll have to speak up. I'm having a hard time hearing you over this amazing Q-Tip scratching sensation going on in my ears right now.

Possibly the greatest feeling in the world is getting out of the shower and putting that little cotton tipped lolly-pop stick in my ear. Sometimes I'll double stuff myself and enter from both sides: left and right ear. If I am feeling crazy I'll do my left ear with my right hand and my right ear with my left hand and strangle myself while I do so. Greatest feeling ever. But don't get the wrong idea. I am not vulgar or gross. I never participate in 2 Tips in the same canal at the same time.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Proof is in the Figgy Pudding

For years we have been lead to believe that the Christmas spirit is represented through compassion and love towards others. Well, let me shatter that stained glass window of deception with my Christmas rock of truth. Christmas spirit is judged! To have the Christmas spirit, one must achieve many Christmas related tasks.

The Movies
  • Santa Claus is Coming to Town (stop motion version)
  • The Muppet Christmas Carol
  • Bad Santa
  • The Nightmare Before Christmas
  • Holiday Inn
  • National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
  • A Christmas Story
  • Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (stop motion version)
  • Scrooged
  • Earnest Saves Christmas
  • A Charlie Brown Christmas
There are many other great Christmas movies; however, if you haven't seen at least 7 of these 11 films you have some work to do. Get that Christmas spirit and Netflix some of these classics today! By order of the Burgermeister Meisterburger!

The Decorations and Visual Representation

  • Picked out a real Christmas tree
  • Picked out a fake Christmas tree
  • Made at least 2 ornaments for your parents
  • Dressed as Santa
  • Set-up Christmas light covered reindeer on the front lawn
  • Set those previous reindeer in a humping position
One must be responsible for at least 3 of these decorations or visuals to have the spirit.

The main idea behind Christmas is to prove to everyone that you are committed to the holiday to the point which you should probably be committed. Santa is a little crazy. He breaks into homes and delivers random children gifts. So be that crazy person who speaks only in Christmas movie quotes. Be that jerk who ruins other's lawn decorations. And always be the person with the biggest Christmas tree on your desk at work.