Marriage Murder with Just Clause

Recently a friend of mine has announced his engagement, with his long time girlfriend, to all of his friends. They are well into planning the wedding and their lives leading up to that day. In their planning they have decided to go with the online directory of listed wedding gifts they would appreciate receiving (gift registry).

The online directories are a great way to list out what items would be useful in starting a life together. They help guests get the couple something they actually want. Plus, and more importantly, the guests can make sure they are not getting the new couple a duplicate gift. The online database of wants may seem impersonal, but remember, the wedding is about the newly weds. Not you.

With that said...

Ways to Gift on Your Terms

• Try to be the first to pick something from the list. If you can view the list first you can pick from any gift. "Oh, thank you so much for the...Superwhipper (scroll over the picture)?" Yep, it was on the list. $10 gift equals open bar.

• Try to be the last to see the list. Hopefully, everything will be selected or taken up and you can just decide on your own gift to give the newly weds. This can be awesome if you get them a great gift because they will have no clue what it is, thus, loving it for being unique and thoughtful. Note: This may backfire. The list may still contain one expensive item which you will be stuck with.

Gifts at weddings is a nice thing but it can turn ugly quick. What if its a second marriage? Do you have to get them another gift? Hell no! Plus, shouldn't they still have the gift you gave them from the first marriage? I guess it is possible that the Superwhipper was lost in the divorce. But that's the bride or groom's problem. Not only did they break the contract with their spouse, but they broke the unwritten contract with their guests:

"Give me a sweet gift for the beginning of my beautiful new life and I won't fuck this up."

1. Clause: Santa falls off of your roof, you put on the pants, you're the big guy.
2. Mrs. Clause: To remain Santa you need to find a Mrs. Clause.
3. The Escape Clause: If your wife or husband dies or is murdered you get another gift.

The bottom line is if your spouse dies you get to receive gifts at your next wedding. It is in one's best interest to go ahead and kill your former partner if they divorce you. Moving on is not as fun when you cannot get a new down comforter. Plus, you'll finally get to use those Ginsu knives.

"Wow. They really do cut through bone!"

Personally, when I'm murdered by my future wife, I would rather she did not receive any new gifts. Call me a hopeless romantic, but I'd rather she just die alone. May she Sinead O'Connor it up and repeat till she dies:

"Nothing compares...Nothing compares to you."

Obsess enough to kill me. Obsess enough to miss me.

Red Bikes and Faking Tikes

How cool would it be to make something work just by providing it with sound? Not exactly sure what I mean? Look at a blank television (a TV that is not on) and begin to simulate the play by play of a football game. Better yet, a series of your favorite lines:

"Igor, would you mind telling me whose brain I did put in?"

"And you won't be angry?"

"I will NOT be angry."

"Abby someone."

"Abby someone. Abby who?"

"Abby Normal."

"Abby Normal?"

"I'm almost sure that was the name."

"Are you saying that I put an abnormal brain into a seven and a half foot long, fifty-four inch wide GORILLA? IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME?"

All of a sudden the television works and the football game you are announcing, or your favorite comedy, comes to life. The television works because you will it to work with your voice. This is the idea behind The Mouse and the Motorcycle.

The Mouse and the Motorcycle is the story of a mouse, Ralph, who is given a red motorcycle that only runs when he makes the sound of a motorcycle. The book was written by the highly creative Beverly Cleary, and published in 1965. The Mouse and the Motorcycle was turned into a home video movie owned by ABC in 1986. Along with Bedknobs and Broomsticks, The Secret of NIMH (also a great book) and The Dark Crystal, The Mouse and the Motorcycle was probably one of my favorite movies when I was young.

The Mouse and the Motorcycle would hold up pretty well except for the fact that Ralph saves a little boy (Keith) from illness by getting him a single aspirin. I'm not sure what was wrong with that kid, but unless he needed to clear or prevent some blood clot a placebo would have probably been fine. Poor Ralph, went on quite the adventure to get that pill. Plus, you know he lost his voice.

Fuck you Keith!

Faker.

Left-Wing Radicals

Great inventions are few and far between. The most useful tools are ones that anyone can use to make life easier and better in some way. The computer was great, sure. But it was not until the modern day "mouse" was invented did we all sigh a breath of relief.

The trackball, which was the early key part to the computer mouse, was first invented in 1952. The ball itself was a standard Canadian five-pin bowling ball. Before I continue on with the point of this story I feel compelled to talk about that last sentence. Five-pin bowling? Only in Canada. Apparently ten-pin had too many pins: 10. Plus, the pins were too large and so was the bowling ball. Weight room! Weak Canadians aside, the mouse went through many changes to get to its modern day laser pointed trans-handed design. And this exact point in the mouse time-line is where I have a problem.

We let them live among us. We allow them to have a natural curve to their pitches and their own side of the batters box. We even allow them to drive on their side of the street...in England. But giving them the ability to use a mouse like you and I...well, that's where I draw the line!

I say we amend the state constitution to ban primary left hand use in California. All in favor, raise your right hand. All opposed, smear your writing. Lefties shouldn't have the same rights as us righties. See...it's right there: righties. Also, the terminology should be changed to righties and wrongies. Well, I'm not a monster. I can give a little on the terminology. Lefties and the people far superior to them.
Southpaws, do not fight the vote. With Obama's supporters coming out to vote, lefties are sure to be banned. 70% of black people hate lefties and the other 30% are lefties. Lefty black people are like albino black people: Creepy.

"What if I am injured and only have a left hand?"

Without the right hand...
you're dead already.

She's Your Everything. Does She Know?

There are many times in relationships when it is standard practice to get your lover a gift. There are days when we give that special someone a gift because it is the set aside day for doing so. Valentine's day is a great example. Be romantic, thoughtful, and giving on this specific day simply because it is tradition. Other days like this include birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries, and of course Memorial day.

These days may be set aside as gift giving times and days to make your tag team partner feel special, but they are not the only days to do good by them. Gentlemen, more often we should make our girlfriends or wives feel special by doing something unique for them, or getting them something to keep upside down frowns in place. She is our everything, yet we do nothing. I submit my top 3 ways to say:

You are special and I love you.

1. A Pineapple

Pineapples are legit! Don't hate just yet on this exotic fruit turned Spongebob home. A pineapple is a great gift for women. It is affordable, makes a room smell great and they can eat it when they get a craving for a healthy snack (this blog isn't for guys with fat girlfriends). Plus, when you get a large ripe pineapple, it has a tall plume and looks like a unique lovely flower-like plant. So in a way, you are getting them a flower-like gift, yet still making it trendy and different to make your lady feel special. Feel free to follow this gift up with a ham pizza. Nothing says "I love you" like a do it yourself Hawaiian style pizza.

2. Coloring Books/Mad Libs

When you stop at a gas station nest, run in and pick up some coloring books with cute memorable cartoon characters on it. She'll forget about your obsession with fantasy football and remember that time the 2 of you sat through an episode of "Blue's Clues" just to see who would figure out the mystery first. Mad Libs are also good choices. For every noun, adjective, or verb write in a variation of love. Also, while at the gas station, you might as well pick up a his and hers Mickey's 40oz. Chicks dig duel malt liquors.

3. Diamonds

Blow her mind. It isn't Valentine's day and you are not proposing, yet you still got her diamonds? They really are beautiful. Matching them up with your beauty is a perfect way to do what's right for the world. Some may argue that there are African nations where people are killed over diamonds; well personally, I would slaughter all of Africa for one diamond on my lover. Does that make me racist? No. There are white people in South Africa. The main thing is: women love diamonds and continents of people being murdered.


Readers must know that I have loved and lost. Maybe I didn't do these things often enough or at all, but that doesn't mean they still shouldn't be done...especially the murdering of Africans. These ideas work. Please use them...because I may not get the opportunity to use them myself.

This blog is dedicated to my love. I'm sorry and I love you.

Fables Covers: James Jean

Today I purchased Fables Covers, a collection of covers by artist James Jean. It has every "Fables" cover from issues 1 to 75. Plus, it includes covers of TPBs (trade paper backs), special stand alone issues, and several sketches and preliminary covers. All of the art in this book is simply amazing.

As a reader of the critically acclaimed series "Fables," I own several individual comics and TPBs in the series. While "Fables Covers" does show you a smaller picture of how each comic actually was printed, text and all, the book also provides slightly larger final portraits of Jean's covers. Though all of the final shots are beautiful, the actual comic covers are slightly superior in quality. When in the actual comic size printing, Jean's art appears more defined and crisp. It is almost like a digital picture that was blown up just slightly too large, and the resolution is not quite good enough. I must stress this is a very minor flaw I noticed only after viewing the complete book. Readers without the individual comics will not even notice.

With that said, the bonuses in "Fables Covers" are exactly what a fan of James Jean's art could hope for. The beginning sketches and alternative cover ideas takes one behind the scenes and into the mind of Jean as he places the whole interior story on a single page cover (2 page wrap around covers on the TPBs). An excerpt of each issue is included with each cover to help add context, and each work of art is accompanied by a caption describing how and with what the cover was created (example: Oil and Ballpoint Pen on Wood Panel, 18 x 24". Fables #1).

Bill Willingham, "Fables" writer, also writes a short praising passage for his collaborator. The passage follows a short interview Jean gives Willingham. Besides some written entries by Jean that about sums-up "Fables Covers".

Jean uses several different artistic styles to create his covers: pencil sketching, acrylics, oil, digital, watercolor, pigment ink, graphite, charcoal and so on. His style of anything and everything to tell the story in a captured scene stands him out as a leading artist in not just the comic industry, but the art industry as well.

Jean has done work for Prada, Nike, ESPN, Rolling Stone Magazine and many other major companies. His career started taking off as soon as he graduated New York City's School of Visual Arts in 2001.

James Jean has created some of the most memorable and gorgeous covers over the past 7 years. "Fables Covers" captures his talent and is a must own for any comic, fantasy, or art lover.

Know the Gazzuolo

There are very few Gazzuolos in the wild these days. Slowly our numbers have been dwindling due to too many Gazzuolo women. In my family I have three sisters...and not those crazy headstrong sisters who want to keep their own last names. I'm talking "throw my surname away as soon as I meet any suitable male" sisters. I am one out of four children, the sole male, the heir to throne Gazzuolo.

It's Good to be King

With this crown comes a lot of responsibility, but I fear not! Like a wise long lasting blood line, the Gazzuolos have accumulated a list of things we must always remember to live by.

1. Eat plenty of pasta.
2. Eat a lot of bread.
3. Marry up.
4. Wash crown in cold water with a tablespoon of dish soap.
5. Grow a mustache at least once.

It is an easy enough list to follow. The first two insure good Italian health...round and jolly. Little known fact: Santa Clause is a Gazzuolo descendant. Obviously a break off from the Gazzuolo name, (thus explaining the gayness) but an apple from the family tree nonetheless.

The third guideline insures the king that there will be time to sit on his throne and rule his castle. The lioness does the work and the king allows her to be mounted by his excellence. The king is generous.

King Gazzuolo is also tidy. A clean crown means a clean head and a clean head...well this rule is just tradition. Oh, and I just started the 5th listing based on my father, the king's, history and my own short history.

Lists aside, the Gazzuolo king must live on for the greater good of society, or at least for one stupid moment in many civilians lives. Gazzuolos have that goofy last name that the substitute teacher always gets stuck on. The sub then says, "I'm sorry, how do you pronounce your last name?" With a straight face the Gazzuolo replies with a statement that makes the kids laugh and substitute understand that the Gazzuolo is a little jerk.

"Smith."