Monday, December 15, 2008

My Own Site!

Hello readers! I recently purchased my first domain name ever. All of my future blogs will be posted there from here on out. Thanks and sorry for the inconvenience.

Gradually Going Gazzuolo's new home.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Friday Favorites 12/12

Once again we meet on the last day of the work week. Ah yes, the weekend nears, fun plans get finalized, and the murdered bodies in your trunk from Monday begin to rot. This Friday is a special one! It's the 12/12: a perfect Friday! We aren't stuck with a 9/12 Friday like this past September. Nope. A 75% Friday wouldn't do for us. We demand perfection! Speaking of which...

PB in CCs

Peanut butter in chocolate cups may be the greatest candy ever made. In the time line of great candies, peanut butter cups is right after the stone. The time line is actually just a segment. Nothing. Stone. Peanut butter cup. Nothing better. Hard candy had it's time, but those everlasting jawbreakers are a thing of the past.

On a side note...

Hard candy relics can still be found to this day. Whether one looks on the ground or on coffee tables in old folk's crystal bowls, they are everywhere: Ditched in dirt and cradled in crystal.

There may be no wrong way to eat them, but there certainly are right ways to eat them. Personally I like to eat all of the chocolate out siding of the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. I place the lump of dried out peanut butter in my mouth and consume the whole piece of peanut buttery magic at once. Why part the innards? May the cups be consumed as they were made: in layers. May they be eaten as Alaskans dress: in layers. And may peanut butter cups be enjoyed as they were originally: next to 2 gunned down car-crash victims.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Monday Morning Meltdowns

Welcome to the first "Monday Morning Meltdowns". Every Monday I will submit something that has me shaking my head. These are objects, acts, and ideas that make me pull my hair out, spinning my chair, and just meltdown in general. No person looks forward to Mondays due to the work week beginning, waking up early, and NBC's "My Own Worst Enemy" starring Christian Slater. Hopefully, these Monday postings will cheer you up and help you realize that while Mondays may suck for you, at least you're not Christian Slater every day of the week.

Hollaback Girl

Here is a test for anyone to try on their own. Turn on a NBA game and close your eyes. What you are hearing is a bunch of women chanting constantly. Annoying, isn't it?

Players like Kobe Bryant, LeBron James, and Paul Pierce have altered the way scorers are now playing the game. For years, players like Michael Jordan have been driving to the basket with the intent to draw a foul. The scorers knew they simply had to get close to their opponents, near the hoop, and they could get an easy whistle. Now, players are still dribbling to the hoop strong, but they are also yelling out when they go up for a shot.
  • Lay-up in the lane - "OOOOhhh!"
  • Short jump shot - "Heeey!"
  • Ball blocked or swatted away while dribbling - "Motha f*****"
  • Time-out called - "Whaaaa!"
Players are using any excuse to yell out loud and try to draw a foul. They are thinking if they yell out, while being guarded with the ball, the referees will assume they were fouled. Are you kidding me?! Even if Shaq punches you in the face you shouldn't make a sound (unless it's a giggle if he says Kazaam while hitting you).

Watching a NBA game now is like watching a women's softball game: non-stop chanting and yelling. In softball, I don't know how the coaches can sit on the bench in tight situations and think.

This post goes out to you patient deaf softball coaches. We solute you.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Friday Favorites

Welcome to the first "Friday Favorites" ever! On Fridays I explore some of my favorite things. I figured since Fridays are the archway to our weekend, the end of our sleepless work week, and the day we use to watch Urkel, Balki, and Cody, they would be perfect for a reoccurring favorites blog. Well, that and both "Fridays" and "favorites" both share a similar letter...the "S".

These weekly favorites are in no particular order and my number one favorite will remain personal and private.

Q-Tips: Good Cleaning Fun

These American Gladiator: Mouse Addition weapons are wonderfully misused. Doctors will tell you that inserting the Q-Tip (douche bag of the ear) into your ear canal is actually bad for your ear. The build-up is actually being pushed further back into the canal, which can eventually affect your hearing. Interesting. Hey'll have to speak up. I'm having a hard time hearing you over this amazing Q-Tip scratching sensation going on in my ears right now.

Possibly the greatest feeling in the world is getting out of the shower and putting that little cotton tipped lolly-pop stick in my ear. Sometimes I'll double stuff myself and enter from both sides: left and right ear. If I am feeling crazy I'll do my left ear with my right hand and my right ear with my left hand and strangle myself while I do so. Greatest feeling ever. But don't get the wrong idea. I am not vulgar or gross. I never participate in 2 Tips in the same canal at the same time.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Proof is in the Figgy Pudding

For years we have been lead to believe that the Christmas spirit is represented through compassion and love towards others. Well, let me shatter that stained glass window of deception with my Christmas rock of truth. Christmas spirit is judged! To have the Christmas spirit, one must achieve many Christmas related tasks.

The Movies
  • Santa Claus is Coming to Town (stop motion version)
  • The Muppet Christmas Carol
  • Bad Santa
  • The Nightmare Before Christmas
  • Holiday Inn
  • National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
  • A Christmas Story
  • Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (stop motion version)
  • Scrooged
  • Earnest Saves Christmas
  • A Charlie Brown Christmas
There are many other great Christmas movies; however, if you haven't seen at least 7 of these 11 films you have some work to do. Get that Christmas spirit and Netflix some of these classics today! By order of the Burgermeister Meisterburger!

The Decorations and Visual Representation

  • Picked out a real Christmas tree
  • Picked out a fake Christmas tree
  • Made at least 2 ornaments for your parents
  • Dressed as Santa
  • Set-up Christmas light covered reindeer on the front lawn
  • Set those previous reindeer in a humping position
One must be responsible for at least 3 of these decorations or visuals to have the spirit.

The main idea behind Christmas is to prove to everyone that you are committed to the holiday to the point which you should probably be committed. Santa is a little crazy. He breaks into homes and delivers random children gifts. So be that crazy person who speaks only in Christmas movie quotes. Be that jerk who ruins other's lawn decorations. And always be the person with the biggest Christmas tree on your desk at work.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Marriage Murder with Just Clause

Recently a friend of mine has announced his engagement, with his long time girlfriend, to all of his friends. They are well into planning the wedding and their lives leading up to that day. In their planning they have decided to go with the online directory of listed wedding gifts they would appreciate receiving (gift registry).

The online directories are a great way to list out what items would be useful in starting a life together. They help guests get the couple something they actually want. Plus, and more importantly, the guests can make sure they are not getting the new couple a duplicate gift. The online database of wants may seem impersonal, but remember, the wedding is about the newly weds. Not you.

With that said...

Ways to Gift on Your Terms

  • Try to be the first to pick something from the list. If you can view the list first you can pick from any gift. "Oh, thank you so much for the...Superwhipper (scroll over the picture)?" Yep, it was on the list. $10 gift equals open bar.
  • Try to be the last to see the list. Hopefully, everything will be selected or taken up and you can just decide on your own gift to give the newly weds. This can be awesome if you get them a great gift because they will have no clue what it is, thus, loving it for being unique and thoughtful. Note: This may backfire. The list may still contain one expensive item which you will be stuck with.
Gifts at weddings is a nice thing but it can turn ugly quick. What if its a second marriage? Do you have to get them another gift? Hell no! Plus, shouldn't they still have the gift you gave them from the first marriage? I guess it is possible that the Superwhipper was lost in the divorce. But that's the bride or groom's problem. Not only did they break the contract with their spouse, but they broke the unwritten contract with their guests:

"Give me a sweet gift for the beginning of my beautiful new life and I won't fuck this up."

  1. Clause: Santa falls off of your roof, you put on the pants, you're the big guy.
  2. Mrs. Clause: To remain Santa you need to find a Mrs. Clause.
  3. The Escape Clause: If your wife or husband dies or is murdered you get another gift.
The bottom line is if your spouse dies you get to receive gifts at your next wedding. It is in one's best interest to go ahead and kill your former partner if they divorce you. Moving on is not as fun when you cannot get a new down comforter. Plus, you'll finally get to use those Ginsu knives.

"Wow. They really do cut through bone!"

Personally, when I'm murdered by my future wife, I would rather she did not receive any new gifts. Call me a hopeless romantic, but I'd rather she just die alone. May she Sinead O'Connor it up and repeat till she dies:

"Nothing compares...Nothing compares to you."

Obsess enough to kill me. Obsess enough to miss me.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Red Bikes and Faking Tikes

How cool would it be to make something work just by providing it with sound? Not exactly sure what I mean? Look at a blank television (a TV that is not on) and begin to simulate the play by play of a football game. Better yet, a series of your favorite lines:

"Igor, would you mind telling me whose brain I did put in?"

"And you won't be angry?"

"I will NOT be angry."

"Abby someone."

"Abby someone. Abby who?"

"Abby Normal."

"Abby Normal?"

"I'm almost sure that was the name."

"Are you saying that I put an abnormal brain into a seven and a half foot long, fifty-four inch wide GORILLA? IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME?"

All of a sudden the television works and the football game you are announcing, or your favorite comedy, comes to life. The television works because you will it to work with your voice. This is the idea behind The Mouse and the Motorcycle.

The Mouse and the Motorcycle is the story of a mouse, Ralph, who is given a red motorcycle that only runs when he makes the sound of a motorcycle. The book was written by the highly creative Beverly Cleary, and published in 1965. The Mouse and the Motorcycle was turned into a home video movie owned by ABC in 1986. Along with Bedknobs and Broomsticks, The Secret of NIMH (also a great book) and The Dark Crystal, The Mouse and the Motorcycle was probably one of my favorite movies when I was young.

The Mouse and the Motorcycle would hold up pretty well except for the fact that Ralph saves a little boy (Keith) from illness by getting him a single aspirin. I'm not sure what was wrong with that kid, but unless he needed to clear or prevent some blood clot a placebo would have probably been fine. Poor Ralph, went on quite the adventure to get that pill. Plus, you know he lost his voice.

Fuck you Keith!


Monday, November 24, 2008

Left-Wing Radicals

Great inventions are few and far between. The most useful tools are ones that anyone can use to make life easier and better in some way. The computer was great, sure. But it was not until the modern day "mouse" was invented did we all sigh a breath of relief.

The trackball, which was the early key part to the computer mouse, was first invented in 1952. The ball itself was a standard Canadian five-pin bowling ball. Before I continue on with the point of this story I feel compelled to talk about that last sentence. Five-pin bowling? Only in Canada. Apparently ten-pin had too many pins: 10. Plus, the pins were too large and so was the bowling ball. Weight room! Weak Canadians aside, the mouse went through many changes to get to its modern day laser pointed trans-handed design. And this exact point in the mouse time-line is where I have a problem.

We let them live among us. We allow them to have a natural curve to their pitches and their own side of the batters box. We even allow them to drive on their side of the England. But giving them the ability to use a mouse like you and I...well, that's where I draw the line!

I say we amend the state constitution to ban primary left hand use in California. All in favor, raise your right hand. All opposed, smear your writing. Lefties shouldn't have the same rights as us righties.'s right there: righties. Also, the terminology should be changed to righties and wrongies. Well, I'm not a monster. I can give a little on the terminology. Lefties and the people far superior to them.
Southpaws, do not fight the vote. With Obama's supporters coming out to vote, lefties are sure to be banned. 70% of black people hate lefties and the other 30% are lefties. Lefty black people are like albino black people: Creepy.

"What if I am injured and only have a left hand?"

Without the right hand...
you're dead already.

Friday, November 21, 2008

She's Your Everything. Does She Know?

There are many times in relationships when it is standard practice to get your lover a gift. There are days when we give that special someone a gift because it is the set aside day for doing so. Valentine's day is a great example. Be romantic, thoughtful, and giving on this specific day simply because it is tradition. Other days like this include birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries, and of course Memorial day.

These days may be set aside as gift giving times and days to make your tag team partner feel special, but they are not the only days to do good by them. Gentlemen, more often we should make our girlfriends or wives feel special by doing something unique for them, or getting them something to keep upside down frowns in place. She is our everything, yet we do nothing. I submit my top 3 ways to say:

You are special and I love you.

1. A Pineapple

Pineapples are legit! Don't hate just yet on this exotic fruit turned Spongebob home. A pineapple is a great gift for women. It is affordable, makes a room smell great and they can eat it when they get a craving for a healthy snack (this blog isn't for guys with fat girlfriends). Plus, when you get a large ripe pineapple, it has a tall plume and looks like a unique lovely flower-like plant. So in a way, you are getting them a flower-like gift, yet still making it trendy and different to make your lady feel special. Feel free to follow this gift up with a ham pizza. Nothing says "I love you" like a do it yourself Hawaiian style pizza.

2. Coloring Books/Mad Libs

When you stop at a gas station nest, run in and pick up some coloring books with cute memorable cartoon characters on it. She'll forget about your obsession with fantasy football and remember that time the 2 of you sat through an episode of "Blue's Clues" just to see who would figure out the mystery first. Mad Libs are also good choices. For every noun, adjective, or verb write in a variation of love. Also, while at the gas station, you might as well pick up a his and hers Mickey's 40oz. Chicks dig duel malt liquors.

3. Diamonds

Blow her mind. It isn't Valentine's day and you are not proposing, yet you still got her diamonds? They really are beautiful. Matching them up with your beauty is a perfect way to do what's right for the world. Some may argue that there are African nations where people are killed over diamonds; well personally, I would slaughter all of Africa for one diamond on my lover. Does that make me racist? No. There are white people in South Africa. The main thing is: women love diamonds and continents of people being murdered.

Readers must know that I have loved and lost. Maybe I didn't do these things often enough or at all, but that doesn't mean they still shouldn't be done...especially the murdering of Africans. These ideas work. Please use them...because I may not get the opportunity to use them myself.

This blog is dedicated to my love. I'm sorry and I love you.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Fables Covers: James Jean

Today I purchased Fables Covers, a collection of covers by artist James Jean. It has every "Fables" cover from issues 1 to 75. Plus, it includes covers of TPBs (trade paper backs), special stand alone issues, and several sketches and preliminary covers. All of the art in this book is simply amazing.

As a reader of the critically acclaimed series "Fables," I own several individual comics and TPBs in the series. While "Fables Covers" does show you a smaller picture of how each comic actually was printed, text and all, the book also provides slightly larger final portraits of Jean's covers. Though all of the final shots are beautiful, the actual comic covers are slightly superior in quality. When in the actual comic size printing, Jean's art appears more defined and crisp. It is almost like a digital picture that was blown up just slightly too large, and the resolution is not quite good enough. I must stress this is a very minor flaw I noticed only after viewing the complete book. Readers without the individual comics will not even notice.

With that said, the bonuses in "Fables Covers" are exactly what a fan of James Jean's art could hope for. The beginning sketches and alternative cover ideas takes one behind the scenes and into the mind of Jean as he places the whole interior story on a single page cover (2 page wrap around covers on the TPBs). An excerpt of each issue is included with each cover to help add context, and each work of art is accompanied by a caption describing how and with what the cover was created (example: Oil and Ballpoint Pen on Wood Panel, 18 x 24". Fables #1).

Bill Willingham, "Fables" writer, also writes a short praising passage for his collaborator. The passage follows a short interview Jean gives Willingham. Besides some written entries by Jean that about sums-up "Fables Covers".

Jean uses several different artistic styles to create his covers: pencil sketching, acrylics, oil, digital, watercolor, pigment ink, graphite, charcoal and so on. His style of anything and everything to tell the story in a captured scene stands him out as a leading artist in not just the comic industry, but the art industry as well.

Jean has done work for Prada, Nike, ESPN, Rolling Stone Magazine and many other major companies. His career started taking off as soon as he graduated New York City's School of Visual Arts in 2001.

James Jean has created some of the most memorable and gorgeous covers over the past 7 years. "Fables Covers" captures his talent and is a must own for any comic, fantasy, or art lover.

Know the Gazzuolo

There are very few Gazzuolos in the wild these days. Slowly our numbers have been dwindling due to too many Gazzuolo women. In my family I have three sisters...and not those crazy headstrong sisters who want to keep their own last names. I'm talking "throw my surname away as soon as I meet any suitable male" sisters. I am one out of four children, the sole male, the heir to throne Gazzuolo.

It's Good to be King

With this crown comes a lot of responsibility, but I fear not! Like a wise long lasting blood line, the Gazzuolos have accumulated a list of things we must always remember to live by.
  1. Eat plenty of pasta.
  2. Eat a lot of bread.
  3. Marry up.
  4. Wash crown in cold water with a tablespoon of dish soap.
  5. Grow a mustache at least once.
It is an easy enough list to follow. The first two insure good Italian health...round and jolly. Little known fact: Santa Clause is a Gazzuolo descendant. Obviously a break off from the Gazzuolo name, (thus explaining the gayness) but an apple from the family tree nonetheless.

The third guideline insures the king that there will be time to sit on his throne and rule his castle. The lioness does the work and the king allows her to be mounted by his excellence. The king is generous.

King Gazzuolo is also tidy. A clean crown means a clean head and a clean head...well this rule is just tradition. Oh, and I just started the 5th listing based on my father, the king's, history and my own short history.

Lists aside, the Gazzuolo king must live on for the greater good of society, or at least for one stupid moment in many civilians lives. Gazzuolos have that goofy last name that the substitute teacher always gets stuck on. The sub then says, "I'm sorry, how do you pronounce your last name?" With a straight face the Gazzuolo replies with a statement that makes the kids laugh and substitute understand that the Gazzuolo is a little jerk.