Thursday, November 20, 2008

Know the Gazzuolo

There are very few Gazzuolos in the wild these days. Slowly our numbers have been dwindling due to too many Gazzuolo women. In my family I have three sisters...and not those crazy headstrong sisters who want to keep their own last names. I'm talking "throw my surname away as soon as I meet any suitable male" sisters. I am one out of four children, the sole male, the heir to throne Gazzuolo.

It's Good to be King

With this crown comes a lot of responsibility, but I fear not! Like a wise long lasting blood line, the Gazzuolos have accumulated a list of things we must always remember to live by.
  1. Eat plenty of pasta.
  2. Eat a lot of bread.
  3. Marry up.
  4. Wash crown in cold water with a tablespoon of dish soap.
  5. Grow a mustache at least once.
It is an easy enough list to follow. The first two insure good Italian health...round and jolly. Little known fact: Santa Clause is a Gazzuolo descendant. Obviously a break off from the Gazzuolo name, (thus explaining the gayness) but an apple from the family tree nonetheless.

The third guideline insures the king that there will be time to sit on his throne and rule his castle. The lioness does the work and the king allows her to be mounted by his excellence. The king is generous.

King Gazzuolo is also tidy. A clean crown means a clean head and a clean head...well this rule is just tradition. Oh, and I just started the 5th listing based on my father, the king's, history and my own short history.

Lists aside, the Gazzuolo king must live on for the greater good of society, or at least for one stupid moment in many civilians lives. Gazzuolos have that goofy last name that the substitute teacher always gets stuck on. The sub then says, "I'm sorry, how do you pronounce your last name?" With a straight face the Gazzuolo replies with a statement that makes the kids laugh and substitute understand that the Gazzuolo is a little jerk.


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