The Forgotten Friend

One day they were made,
these long wooden things.
While sporting an eraser,
you could draw wings.

Oh everyone loved,
this brand new tool.
The pencil was the best,
it was definitely cool.

But then one day,
something new came around.
It had a ballpoint,
no eraser to be found.

It glided across paper,
with the greatest of ease.
The pencil had grip,
and screwed up the g's.

So now everyone wanted
this new pen friend.
Too bad for the pencil,
was this the end?

But some still remember
the pencil's great skill.
I use the forgotten friend,
and I always will.


I wrote this poem in a freshmen English course in high school. I turned it in rather than the actual written assignment on "Romeo and Juliet." I was given a B for at least making something up which was fun to read (as apposed to trying to fake the assignment...those always suck).

Try Asking Politely

It's football season once again and I think we all know what that means...commercials. Football games have more commercials than any other sporting event. Soccer, though annoying and bad, only has commercials during the half-way break. Baseball shows the whole half inning (excluding pitching changes) and Basketball plays until a time out is called or the end of the quarter.

Football is a game of constant stop and go. There are commercial breaks when there is a timeout, a change of possession, an injury (due to the nature of the game, there are many), the end of a quarter, a timeout, and an occasional television timeout. At a certain point the commercials start repeating...

...and the hate begins!

My current most hated commercial is actually a campaign of commercials: the Carfax commercials.

This series of commercials does not bug me because of the sheer stupidity (Car Fox), but rather because of how rude and mean the potential car buyers are. The customer basically picks a car they like and then impolitely says, "Show me the Carfax." Not, "Please, show me the Carfax" or "Would you be so kind to show me the Carfax details." They rudely, and repeatedly (this is key to my annoyance level), demand to see the Carfax like a Nazi looking for hidden Jews.

"Show me the Jews!"

"Oh, you mean the Jew Fox?"

The Feared Cat of Timbuktu

There once was a cat from Timbuktu.
He had ten thousand claws and 5 tails too.
He ripped through tourist from France and Spain,
and washed off their blood while he danced in the rain.

He purrs to the sound of his food while it dies,
and chopsticks his eat'ns like Miyagi with flies.
He gets stuck in trees just to waste time,
and thinks, "Meow...which is better? Lemon or lime?"

His fur balls consisted of fur and some bones.
His litter box gags skunks and is smelt through the phones.
He mocks male dogs by stooping their bitches,
and fixes his wounds with his whiskers as stitches.

I urge you! Fear the cat from Timbuktu,
because Mr. Jiggle Bottoms will gladly kill you.

Kanye "Drama Queen" West

Kanye West was on the first episode of Jay Leno tonight and I could not help but laugh. He had his head down and was in the apologetic frame of mind of a murderer or drunk driver who injured someone.

Anyone who saw what happens agrees he was an idiot, but this is exactly why we hated what he did. When he ran on stage and took the microphone, he did so because he thinks he is the most amazing artist of all time. When he apologized on Leno, he was so down on himself because he thinks everyone recognizes him as the greatest artist of all time. He let everyone down in his mind. You are why the terrorist hate us, Kanye.

The best part was when Leno asked Kanye, "What do you think she (Kanye's mother) would say about this?" Kanye sat in silence and starting getting emotional. Here's the answer...

Who cares?! What about Taylor Swift? Is Kanye's mother going to disown him? No. Who cares about what your mother thinks of you? Shouldn't you be mannered and a good person towards others, too? Maybe Kanye should think about others insteed of how his interections with others sit with his mother. How does that sit with Swift?

The truth is he is just another artist. He isn't a bad artist, just another. Most musicians come and go. Hopefully this will lead to Kanye's time passing a bit quicker.

Klondike Bars and Lover Scars

Cold on the inside and sweetness on out,
I nibble away at your sides.
Like a Reese's there is no wrong way,
devour till hunger's head hides.

Yet hunger's head is a fool in a small white room,
a room with one closet door.
There is no place to sneak or to be unseen,
nob twist to find X on floor.

Finished now, my belly does moan,
"please give me another fill!"
But I can't because alas, I destroyed my Bar,
her out and in, I did kill.

Harriet Times and Her Many Many Crimes

Harriet Times committed many many crimes,
she committed them every day.
She murdered. She stole.
(Swiped the north and south pole.)
At red lights, she just did not stay.

Harriet opened other's mail and broke into their homes,
she stayed out on the beach well past curfew.
She smuggled in Cubans, the cigars not the people,
and she also smuggled in Cubans.

That last part didn't ryme, for her most resent crime,
was stealing how this poem flows.
It also once had an ending, but that's stolen too.
How it ends, nobody...

Sir Adam Sleep and the Leaping Killer Sheep

Everyone knows that when one is tired all they need do is count some sheep.
But what do you do when one is tired and one's name is Sir Adam Sleep?

Sir Adam Sleep is a gentleman's gentleman and the pride of country and crown,
yet when Sir Adam Sleep begins to feel wheezy he dare not try to lie down.

When Sir Adam was a lad he grew up on a peaceful farm.
He once feel asleep in a field, and here is where he found harm.
He awoke to a horrible sight, a sight that rattled his will.
Larry the Lamb was jumping the carcass of Larry's latest kill.

I feel I must mention, before we go on, this lamb, named Larry by all.
Larry was the type, call him beast call him lamb, that had the killer's call.
He tore into his pals, he tore into some birds, he tore into wolves who sneaked in.
Larry the Lamb, too be quite clear, was in love with his mistress named Sin.

Now back to the sight, which Sir Adam Sleep did, on that night, dreadfully see.
His father, Maximilian Sleep, chewed to the bone and leaped by Larry, count three.

Larry leaped one.
Larry leaped two.
Larry leaped one, two, three.



...too be continued (find out what happens to Larry the Lamb and why Sir Adam Sleep was knighted)